Photography.

Photography is starting to all look the same to me. I lack in compelling ideas right now. There was a large amount of circus that went with my organically grown (or at least certainly NOT thought out) method of finding and interesting the kind of subjects I work well with. I'm proud of some of the series that produced.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the attention.

But I just can't strike up enough give a shit to dive back into the morass of bored souls that made up that world.

I keep dipping a toe in.

I keep thinking about it..

And...

Nothing.

There's gaps in my life right now. How could there not be, I pretty much walked out of my entire life to start a new one and its only been four months.

But there are good things. I work hard, now. When I go to work my brain is engaged for the most part. The hours are long, but it feels like... I don't know... Things are being done. And hell.. I'm in love now. I have something real to work towards..

I miss shooting. I miss making things. Part of me misses getting praisd for good work.. But part of me REALLY doesn't.. The amount of narcisism, emo, and out and out circle jerking that goes with my past..

Well, fuck.. It got old.

There's something in there worth salvaging. I just haven't figured out what or how, yet.

That diet thang..

Ok.. Back on the MREs that are Nutrisystem. Got the base food in last week, but didn't get around to getting the supplimental groceries til this week.

Let's see where we can take it this time.

Starting weight: 222.5lbs.

I live a good life..

..just in case anyone wondered.

My body may be a tad faulty, and my brain a tad more so. I may not know how to live within my means. I may be emo without the hair swoop.. Yet, I am aware of these things.

I have a woman that loves me.

I have friends who watch over me.

For all my protestations that the sky is falling I have not found myself crushed by clouds.

My smile may not be readily apparent, but it is there.

And I am grateful...

And in case I forget to mention it, later, thank you...

Sometimes I feel like..

..all of human endeavour throughout the years that isn't directly tied to eating, humping, pooping, sleeping, or not getting stepped on... is a direct result of our inability to deal with awkward silences.

The human race... Taking bad ideas to new levels...

Fuckin' Eeyore!

Oooh, Pooh....

Being Human..

You really kind of have to click on this one o see it. I could have added them seperately. But this is how I envisioned the whole thing when I was editing it. They're just not complete seperately.

Urticaria..

..maybe.

From what I'm reading.. Fancy word for "not sure" and only maybe does that have anything to do with the swelling issues that are sucking the fun out of life.

Ah well.

Decided to change my diet. Since I haven't even close to got my shit together and I'm eating fast food all the time because it's convenient.. I decided to go back on Nutrisystem. I know it works. I know I can do it. I know it's convenient. If weight is a factor.. Lets fix that. If the crap in junk food is a factor.. Lets fix that.. Hopefully the blood tests and xrays will show something of value, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

The antihistimine seems to lessen the effects a bit.. But just a bit.. Spent an hour waiting for the perscription Allegra.. Took it.. One a day..

While idly having a "contemplation" in the restroom.. I traced the word "Help" over my belly with a fingernail.. Didn't notice anything when I did it.

Now it's written in bright pink staring up at me.

*sigh*

I'm working on it.

I'm seriously SERIOUSLY tired of feeling like shit all the time.